I’ve never been that close to you ever since that night.
I waited for five minutes for you to pick me up outside our house. We’ve never been so close that I didn’t even knew what car I was waiting for. From afar, I kept on looking forward to every headlights I see approaching, thinking it was you. Then there came a rushing black SUV that passed by our house and took a maneuver at the next street. And yes, it was you. Even though it was raining, you stepped out of your car, and opened the car door for me. And damn, you got me at that gesture, gentleman.
I was surprised when I found out that it was only the two of us that would go venture the night. It was the first and last time for us to be together alone. I was nervous, yet enticed.
The road is so dark, wet, and misty at the same time. And no wonders because it was already past midnight and the rain was pouring extremely hard, similar to me who was also starting to fall hard to the very visible and non visible parts of the earth which such beauty and grace all over it. I could forever picture you driving, which I saw with the use of my peripheral vision. You were so majestic - from you wearing your glasses so that you could see the road properly up to holding the steering wheel and changing gears. I could forever sit in your passenger seat - listening to your music, having these happy conversation and debates, wearing my seat belts, and staying awake to guide you with the road.
I’ve never felt so safe ever since my past passed.
I cannot bottle up these feelings inside the mildly unequipped body of mine anymore, even though I only consider them as minute and nothing serious but either way or so, affecting. I really really crush you. And I love having this superficial feelings for you. And the good thing is, you’ll never ever know because you don’t have to.
And so I guess it’s about time for me to consider that today has been the loneliest day of my life so far. And it’s the happy kind of sadness cos it clearly shows that I ain’t a robot-hearted girl. Like hey I may look oh so tough and carefree all the time but I also have these things you call feelings. These feelings, they have been telling me to let them out already because my feelings container is about to burst out. And it may hurt a lot if that happens since glass pieces would be everywhere and I might be in contact with them unknowingly. Nothing hurts more than being cut by a glass piece from a broken fragile jar, which is, at the same time, a part of you.
And so I am currently playing the playlist that we used to listen to the last time we were together while I type these words into the iPod.
We were on the bed, side by side, sharing the earphones with the other end on your right ear and the other one on my left. Actually, it was a playlist meant to be heard by my ears only, it was my playlist. I know you didn’t want to listen to it in the first place since you were just playing your character on NBA 2k12, and you were babbling me things about it like you already got your customized basketball shoes care of Michael Jordan, and other things which I only heard as blah blah blah. I don’t want to listen to your stories anymore, I had enough basketball conversations in my life. And so there I was, about to sleep into my playlist when you decided to turn off your Playstation and lay next to me. I was humming to Maroon 5’s Beautiful Goodbye because that song reminds me of the guy that I like who’s unfortunately in my opinion, out of my league, even though he texts me most of the time, I think because he’s somewhat already taken by someone else. You asked me what am I singing. Singing is different from humming yknow, you should take note of that. And so I unconsciously let you listen to my songs. It was a major glitz for me since I don’t usually share music. Now it’s like my musical world has been devirginized by you!
How selfish can you get? And how masochistic can I be? I hate it when I share the things that I like simply because I am always afraid that by the time I showed it to other people, they would like it, too, and eventually, they would try to take them away from me. And since I don’t usually give a fuck, I let them have it with the thinking that they’re feasting on that thing I now consider old, slimy, and trashy. That certain fact gives me the consolation that I need, most of the time.
But to tell you honestly, I love the feeling when we were on your bed, listening to my mixtape. I love the feeling, and only the feeling that was brought up in that moment. I love the feeling when two individuals sleep together so closely, when in reality, they were never close. Well, maybe, one time, before, but not anymore.
Do you know the feeling when you are not yet ready for any changes in your life? Like, yes, you know that change is the only inevitable thing in this world but even when you’re informed that someday things wouldn’t be the same as before, you still get sad and hope it wouldn’t come any time soon. Although through out your entire life you were conversant with this fact.
It sucks that when you’re contented with the way things are, it is when they take it away from you. It’s like you’re being punk’d or something. Sometimes, I do think that the world is playing mind games on me. I never liked change cos it takes so much time for me to get used to it.
This is what I feel right now, cos my classes this semester start at 7o’clock in the morning and my body is not used to it.
It really, really sucks that I get too sensitive about it. I cry.
Okay so I was really drunk the other night
I can’t remember a thing except the fact that you scolded me because I was acting like a crazy kid
And since that night, I knew that you wouldn’t talk to me
It’s already been given
From the rest of our night until 2am, I never heard a single word from you
Except when I borrowed your lighter when I am about to lit a cigarette
But I was surprised when you went to me and cursed me while admitting that you missed me so bad
Of course, I cursed back at you
I don’t get it but every time we start to talk to each other
Everything just goes back to the way it was
And it’s a bad thing since we should not be okay
We’re both ruined
When we’re about to drive out
You let me sit on the passenger’s seat
I considered it my throne, before
You held my hand while driving
Which I hated, ‘cos it’s your style to make girls fall in love with you
And I ain’t gonna fall on that trap anymore
Only giddy and kinky teenagers fall for that dude
So I insisted that I’d be the one who’s going to drive
And to my surprise, you let me
I really love driving your car
The sun is about to shine already and we’re still drinking one on one
We just sat there by the terrace, Indian style
I really love it every time we catch the sun rising
I believe that it’s the most beautiful part of the day
And I hate that people usually miss it out
You told me that you already love her, but you love me more
I never believed you, and you said..
“That’s why I never confessed my feelings for you, it’s because you always doubt me!”
I got hungry therefore I went to the kitchen and cooked some eggs
Then you asked me, “You cooked this?”
I said yes.
And I completely saw your eyes with a proud expression
I know that you know that I can’t cook well
When it comes between the two of us, you’re always the one who cooks
And that was one of the reasons why I liked you
You ended the patriarchal paradigm because you’re the one who makes me a sandwich
We’re so fucked up, baby
Let’s just rest and let’s stop giving a damn about our feelings
We got forever
Let time find us
In this world full of loveless soul
For the meantime, let’s get drunk